In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Someone shattered a urinal.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
