Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
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