On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
