that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
