so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize