Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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