im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
