That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Vodka?
Forever.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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