I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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