Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
