you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
His nipple licking is glorious
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