I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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