You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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