i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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