i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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