o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
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