before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Randomize
