I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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