I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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