I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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