The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
