my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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