my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
