Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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