can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
