My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
