So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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