dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Thank you for not boning my boss.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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