the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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