Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
