Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
