Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
