Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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