Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
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Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
As shirtless as possible
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
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I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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