Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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