I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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