You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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