just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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