he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
