She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
