someone get that fucking seahorse.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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