god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
