Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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