Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
