Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
