Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Randomize
