he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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