i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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