I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
