My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
