I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
