hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
