apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
