why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
4 words: hood of his car
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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