Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
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