so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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