Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
