three words: i give head
three words: not that well
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
