Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
