It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
