Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
