I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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