I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
