Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
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