Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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