wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
