sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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