Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
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