I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
